The Invisible You and The Cone of Silence
How to overcome Social Illusions and build better relationships
The other day I listened to a great podcast from NPR on Hidden Brain, titled "How Others See You", that explores the topic of social illusions and how they shape our relationships in various settings. The host, Shankar Vedantam, discusses the tendency of individuals to misinterpret their social interactions and the opinions others hold of them. He introduces psychologist Erica Boothby from the University of Pennsylvania's Wharton School, who shares her research on this subject.
Boothby describes an incident at a cafe where she had a conversation with a potential collaborator. She believed the interaction didn't go well, while her partner, who overheard the conversation, thought otherwise. This experience led her to investigate the gap between how people perceive their social interactions and how others perceive them. She coined the term "liking gap" to describe the phenomenon where individuals underestimate how much their conversation partners enjoy talking to them.
What are Social Illusions?
The ways in which we misjudge how other people think of us.
The illusion of transparency is the belief that other people can see through our thoughts and feelings.
The illusion of the invisibility cloak is the belief that we are not being observed by others.
The illusion of the lingering conversation is the belief that other people are thinking about us more than we think they are.
Social illusions can have a negative impact on our self-esteem and our relationships with others.
Social illusions can manifest in high-pressure situations, such as dating, where individuals place extra pressure on themselves to impress others and may hyper focus on perceived shortcomings.
Boothby and her colleagues conducted experiments in personal development workshops and among college roommates to study the liking gap. They found that people consistently underestimated how much others liked them in initial interactions, and this discrepancy persisted over several months. However, the liking gap decreased as people got to know each other better.
The discussion expands to highlight the broader concept of social illusions, which refers to the many ways we misjudge our social lives and relationships. She suggests that there are numerous social traps and mistakes we fall into, leading us to have a more negative perception of our social interactions than is warranted.
The Cone of Invisibility…or not
Additionally, the episode explores how our perception of being watched by others can lead to the illusion of invisibility. We tend to overestimate how much others observe and judge us while underestimating the attention we give to others. This discrepancy arises due to limited access to others' thoughts and emotions. Age and personality traits, such as shyness or narcissism, can influence the extent of social illusions.
Boothby's research shows that we tend to overanalyze our own behaviors and assume others notice and judge them as much as we do. However, people form general impressions rather than focusing on minor details. They conclude the episode by acknowledging that social illusions are common and highlights the possibility of these illusions being amplified in high-stakes situations.
Recognizing these illusions and seeking external perspectives can help us see things more clearly. Directly asking others about their thoughts and feelings, shifting our focus to the other person in conversations, and expressing compliments can counteract these distortions and foster genuine connections. Understanding and addressing social illusions can improve social interactions and reduce self-consciousness.
How we can overcome Social Illusions
Recognize that social illusions exist. The first step to overcoming social illusions is to recognize that they exist. We all have a tendency to overestimate how much other people are paying attention to us and how much they care about our thoughts and feelings. Once we recognize that this is a common phenomenon, we can start to challenge our own thoughts and assumptions.
Ask for feedback. Another way to overcome social illusions is to ask for feedback from others. This could involve asking your colleagues for their thoughts on a presentation you gave or asking your boss for feedback on your performance. Getting feedback from others can help us to get a more accurate picture of how others see us.
Pay attention to the other person. When we're in a conversation with someone, it's important to pay attention to the other person. This means listening to what they have to say, paying attention to their body language, and trying to see things from their perspective. By paying attention to the other person, we can start to get a better understanding of how they see us.
Give compliments. Complimenting others is a great way to build relationships and make people feel good about themselves. When we compliment others, we're essentially telling them that we see them and that we appreciate them. This can help to break down social barriers and make us feel more connected to others.
As leaders and managers, we have a strong tendency to be self critical and that can manifest itself outwards to the people we work with and/or below us. Let’s shift some of that focus to accentuate the great things going on and give out compliments in the ways those people find meaningful.
As always, keep learning and happy Thursday!